I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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