I will die if light touches me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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