Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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