i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
