I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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