ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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