life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
