dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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