allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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