dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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