I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
