Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
