Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
did i walk over a car last night?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
