My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
