I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
