i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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