I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
