why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
