I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
