new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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