dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
