I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
