i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
