And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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