She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My ass is underappreciated
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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