He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
