She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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