sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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