I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
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