The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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