I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
