A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Holy sore nipples Batman
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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