you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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