I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
