I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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