you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
