Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
