oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize