$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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