I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
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Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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