there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
