It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
