Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
