my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
