This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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