I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
