YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
