is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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