Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
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you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
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She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.