Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster