If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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