The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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