I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Randomize
