well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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