if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
