My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
